i say i need time to all my friends

i know they won’t miss me anyway

because i can already picture me gone

and them without me one day

proxima centauri (star closest to the sun)

 

 

she skips family dinner to run away from the abuse

a mother born flawed turned perfectionist early

a father working too late to spare but a smile

and two sisters who left as soon as they could

pursuing medical degrees for success which guarantees them praise

While she gets none.

 

and she calls me on the phone

her voice only slightly scratchy filled with the usual irony and skepticism

she asks

hey//can you meet me//at the record store//at a quarter past ten//because i’m tired//of a never-ending critic//who’s supposed to my mother//but all i get//is salt instead of sugar//tears instead of treats//and waiting hours//in the school lobby//because she forgot//about me again//  (am i really that forgettable?)

 

and i say

hey//yes i’ll meet you there//heard a local band is playing//wanna catch the subway there//new york city has never seemed so pretty//right along there with you

 

we met at the radio room

throaty music and old coffee smell

and she loses herself in the music

fingers strumming her scratched guitar

 

dear mother of hers//can’t you see// she is worth more than// a medical degree// she doesn’t wear dress//so what//i like her jeans and sweatpants just fine//because of your abuse//she’s turned hard//not trusting people//and scared to come home at night

because of you// she is afriad//and plugs a straightener into the wall//because of you//she plays classical//until her fingers bruise//while singing secretly along to journey//and mother of hers//while you don’t call it abuse//we all know//that she has scars in places//you cannot see//because you are too busy//trying to make another perfect daughter//to your perfect mother//that you don’t see her

 

it was your choice

it was your choice to up and leave.

i’ve known you forever baby, i’m not stupid when it comes to you.

i know you know what your actions did to me

so why?

why did you choose to leave after twelve years of pure friendship and laughter?

why did you choose to leave even when you know that it’d put me in the worst place possible?

i’m empty and lost, wandering the desert alone