at this age i find myself full of polluted ideas
and watered down philosphy from my favorite poets
but this is the contentment stage because before all of this
i found mysef at age thirteen listening to bands no one has ever heard of
typing the lyrics out and printing them on pristine paper which i folded neatly
tucking into the pocket of my now too small jeans.
before all of this i found myself at age fourteen sucking in breaths
because the world had seen fit to deprive me of oxyegn
and i found myself using all the right sources
to get all the wrong answers
as i tried to untangle what was happening to me.
but even before my anger was furnace
and before i learned not to trust boys with sharp smiles
i first learned that i was a girl
and by being a girl i was suddenly reduced to a low status
with my body no longer becoming my own with each stroke of a mascara wand
that i believed held the magic to make me beautiful.
and at this moment in time i understand
how our bodies can contain so much water
and how some of the prettiest things in the universe
can never orbit too close
and most importantly i know that out of all the events that have happened to me
all of the scars and dictionary words i know
my most treasured possession is the letter ‘i’
because that is what has stayed for the entirety of my life
when people changed and left me
