i remember a conversation from when i was younger. i was asked what i looked for in someone. you see, i told them that i look for the qualities of a best friend. now that i look back on that conversation, i wonder why i wanted to fall in love with a best friend. because now that i have, i want it to go away.
they call it FALLING in love for a reason, don’t they?
for me at least, it’s a cruel experience to fall in love with my best friend. i’m sure a lot of people would relate to this since of course i’m not the only person who’s been in this situation. but i wonder.
i love his smile, and his laugh. i love the way his voice gets higher when he’s laughing through his sentence. i love how he constantly says his funny jokes even though it’s not an appropriate time to say them. i love that he’s so passionate about his hobbies. i love that he’s so respectful and kind towards others. i love everything about him. from every flaw that people hate to every single best quality he’s ever had. sure he’s made mistakes, but we all do. i don’t mind if his past is a little marked up, mine is as well. i don’t really care.
he is my best friend. my closest guy friend. he’s seen me at my best but also at my worst. i remember every little detail of his response to my confession. i remember the heartbreak. but i remember the relief i had when he said it wouldn’t mess up our friendship.
it hasn’t messed up our friendship yet, thank god. but it’s messed up me. my mind. my emotions. i love him. im in love with him to the point where i’m drowning in it. i’m drowning in the love that i have for him. and while i wish i could stop, my heart seems to believe that theres still a chance for me here.
oh how sweet those little things are
oh how bubbly she is when she talks to you
oh how stupid is he to not talk to her anymore
oh how red her face turns from laughing
because of your jokes.
you, please never leave her like he did.
please take care of her warm and gentle soul
that she always says she never has
you don’t have to date her,
just be there for her.
i wish you would change \ from this how-much-can-we-do \ how many people can we hurt \ how much damage can we do \ all with lighting the match \ for your flavored cigarettes \ man \ back into the boy who \ took things slow \ because he knew that he had time \ used a soft voice \ because when he talked \ people listened \ but instead \ i find a closed door \ what are you even afraid of anymore ? \ because you are treating your body like a cage \ beating again sinews \ and fighting against muscles \ acting as if \ this youth \ is an immortal thing \ but it is not \ and one day \ life is going to catch up \ and you will find yourself \ wondering where things went wrong \ what you did so bad \ to turn up \ in such a place \ as where you are
i had my first kiss at eight years old
(he tasted like the lemonade he’d had with lunch)
with muddy shins and splattered shorts
my hair sticking out in a disrray
i (he told me)
tasted like tuna
–he was my best friend after he was my first love
i think somewhere past the atmosphere
a space boy loved his little space sister
and so he taught her how to ride shooting stars
while catching moonbeams off of comet trails
and he loved her so much that when the choice came
to save her from reality but forget
or them shatter into supernovas together
by growing up
he tried to chose the best one
but his choice was faulty because
she would have shattered a thousand times for him
while he would infinitely decide to grow up for her
–irony is that they both shattered anyways
his jean jacket hugs his shoulders
as he touches the brim of his red ball cap
in the only goodbye i’ll ever get from him
and he shoots me one last smirking grin
his rover keys swinging around his index finger
always an adrenaline junkie living off of caffeine
and petal-to-the-metal surges of feelings
that in the end
i never could give him