she’s//all the//therapy//i’ve ever needed
at this age i find myself full of polluted ideas
and watered down philosphy from my favorite poets
but this is the contentment stage because before all of this
i found mysef at age thirteen listening to bands no one has ever heard of
typing the lyrics out and printing them on pristine paper which i folded neatly
tucking into the pocket of my now too small jeans.
before all of this i found myself at age fourteen sucking in breaths
because the world had seen fit to deprive me of oxyegn
and i found myself using all the right sources
to get all the wrong answers
as i tried to untangle what was happening to me.
but even before my anger was furnace
and before i learned not to trust boys with sharp smiles
i first learned that i was a girl
and by being a girl i was suddenly reduced to a low status
with my body no longer becoming my own with each stroke of a mascara wand
that i believed held the magic to make me beautiful.
and at this moment in time i understand
how our bodies can contain so much water
and how some of the prettiest things in the universe
can never orbit too close
and most importantly i know that out of all the events that have happened to me
all of the scars and dictionary words i know
my most treasured possession is the letter ‘i’
because that is what has stayed for the entirety of my life
when people changed and left me
i wish you would change \ from this how-much-can-we-do \ how many people can we hurt \ how much damage can we do \ all with lighting the match \ for your flavored cigarettes \ man \ back into the boy who \ took things slow \ because he knew that he had time \ used a soft voice \ because when he talked \ people listened \ but instead \ i find a closed door \ what are you even afraid of anymore ? \ because you are treating your body like a cage \ beating again sinews \ and fighting against muscles \ acting as if \ this youth \ is an immortal thing \ but it is not \ and one day \ life is going to catch up \ and you will find yourself \ wondering where things went wrong \ what you did so bad \ to turn up \ in such a place \ as where you are
i wish us back to//when we used to//hunt for clothes//at the mall//counting our pennies//down to the cent//guessing on the tax cost//before coming up short//laughing at full pockets//at ragged old jeans//we’d spend hours//in the bookstore//thumbing through//e.e. cummings//and edgar allen poe//like they were//the very oxygen//that was keeping us//alive.
if i was not born a woman \ i would have been a seed \ and instead of learning \ how to be a perfectionist early \ i would have learned how to grow when buried \ and accept that having thick stalks \ was not a downfall \ but instead a gift \ beause if i was a flower \ instead of a woman \ i would not have lived \ over half of my life \ thinking i was less than \ because no one looked like me \ and if i had been a seed \ my differences would have helped me flourish \ instead of making me want for \ different features \ and by saying this \ does not mean \ i regret what i am \ because i do not \ by saying this \ i am telling \ that young girls should not be raised \ to be perfectionists \ just like flowers \ shouldn’t be picked \ when they have yet to bloom \ because if i was raised \ the way a flower grows \ i would have been a sunflower \ but i was raised \ the way a woman is raised \ and a woman is raised \ to forever be a rose / so that a man might take away her throns / for sport / and be called the one / who tamed her wildness / and prunned it to perfection / so for all who taught me / how to be a woman in the worst way / because i was taught / that i could be a flower / as long as it was a rose / and i think my biggest regret is / i could have been a sunflower
you were so sweet
you made my teeth ache
i wasn’t surpised when
you turned out to be fake.
i hurt people
before they hurt me
~ the most important thing you need to know about me